you're just like poison.
Sunday, December 06, 2009
poison.
Monday, November 30, 2009
more thoughts.
Here i am on a Sunday night, not sleeping. The original idea as usual was to spend e day doing meaningful things, like finally getting around to doing up my family photos then end if off with blogging and tucking into bed early.
But. There's always a BUT. i spent too long of my long weekend free doing nothing. Yep, spent too long a time doing absolutely nothing. How does it feel? Like i just wasted a lot of time.
I detest how i always procrastinate so much. I dislike my bad habits but my will to change them just doesn't seem strong enough. No, scratch that. My will power is strong enough but it goes on and off; i tend to forget it. Now that i am 80% recovered from my bad sorethroat & awful ulcers, i'm back to my pigging out on junkfood while reading. I disgust myself sometimes. Argh.
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There are still so many thoughts in my mind at all times. There are some things that i can't accept and i don't think i ever will.
I just feel so sad because i know i was once so contented and that i probably won't reach there anymore. We won't. Still, i'll keep praying for a miracle.
I feel so lost. I don't know how to deal with it. How do you make the most of everyday and have no regrets? Somehow i don't know how to do that and i do not want to have any regrets after. For the first time as well, I do not know how to explain what i'm feeling. Words seem to fail me.
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Well, my next post should be something more interesting with pictures. I would like to blog about the camp and other happier things. Let's have a Marvelous Monday tml. Loves.
//Then there's this other thing. Each time I feel like giving up, you try harder. Each time i get closer to the edge, you give in more. Why? I thought you would want to give up too but you have surprised me. I really want to believe, and i would like a picture of us in the future but i can't help feeling unsure. After all these i've been through, i don't know if you'll be able to support me like how i need to be supported. I don't want to push you too hard and get you unhappy too... I really need the support that will keep me from falling. I'm sorry for all the awful words and behaviour, I can't seem to stop myself. You staying even after all my complaints should already be proof to me. It is to my heart, but my mind has other issues to worry about. I want to believe. I hope there is really a future.//
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
time...
all the tears have made me so, so tired. The bad news seem to keep coming and are getting worse at that. i don't want to hear them anymore. This is already the worst ever. I don't want to accept such cruel reality to good people. I don't want, and i can't, i refuse to accept it. i just wish to wake up and find that this is a horrible nightmare.
I don't dare to imagine the future; yet i can't stop the thoughts. i can't stop the tears. i can't stop anything. i feel so useless. there's nothing i can do. i would do anything, anything at all to change this fate. i'm still going to hope and pray for miracles.
i want to stop time. i want to stop time and run away together. i want to prolong every moment and keep them close to my heart. For the first time, i really hate what life is doing to us. i want to go back to feeling blessed and contented with my quiet little life with them. and then stop there. can?
and now i have to smile, cheer and look happy like i dont have a care in the world, like so many others. "yippe camp tml, how fun!" Please let me mask myself well, i don't want to lose control. Also for the first time, i feel that this is fcuking unfair. I don't know what to believe in anymore.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
thoughts aplenty.
i don't like this feeling.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
spitting out blood?
I just noticed another ulcer at the roof of my mouth, near my throat. Thought that's why my throat hurts so bad. Rinsed and checked, no blood on it. So i did a test, i tried spitting some phlegm again.
Blood came out again. I'm effing scared.
Went to google it and i'm now even more scared that it could be something really serious. Fcuk. I think i'll go visit another doctor tml.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
belated Hallowen post
I know it's a few weeks after Halloween but better late than never right? That night, i celebrated Small Jess' 21st birthday with the Nra Babes then rushed down to meet the besties for Halloween night!
The theme for the party was TaiTais so i couldn't really dress up as anything else for Halloween. Next year, we'll dress up in costume okays!
I have been waaaay to busy with work that i don't have e time to do other things and blog. I detest it this way, really. Work shouldn't take up so much of my time. It's probably time to move on...
Anyway, before i get too hung up with the work topic, i shall just dump a truck load of photos here for your viewing displeasure. A picture is worth a thousand words right?
In St.James washroom. Love Bee's expression (or lack thereof) here! The queue was insanely long and we didn't bother queuing up for it. Went up to one of e pubs to chill instead and wait for the queue to magically disappear.
After spending a looong time in the washroom, the queue was still there with mad people actually queueing up fot it. We decided to cab over to Clarke Quay instead. How i miss MOS! Oh i just remember about the first Taxi that sent us to Powerhouse. The uncle was so HIP. He blasted Poker Face, Remedy and so on. Even told us to guess his age and if we get it right, he will buy us a drink at powerhouse. I told him "If we get it right, we don't have to pay e cab fare." HAHAHA.
We went to Zirca instead after walking around the area. It was around 1am then?
After finally getting a stamp, we decided we were too hungry. Maybe after seeing the dead bodies? eeeewwwwwwwlll. We wanted to go to Macs like old times but it was full. On our way over to the restaurant, i saw... BABY! He came for meeee (:
He was supposed to be sleeping in camp, but his Sgts woke him up and asked if he wanted to sneak out with them. Said 1 of their sisters were performing or something. So he went along since im in the area! When he told me on the phone that he could come and see me for awhile, i almost didn't believe him. It was a pleasant surprise. I missed him joining me for such outings. Hmm...
Still, he left after awhile. Met some of my old friends in the restaurant and they were having this skull w them!
Min apparently likes it :(
Bee's headband is cuter! (:
Yin's and my lousy manicure. I didnt take any picture of our food because we were too busy gobbling them up. It was a whole table full! (: By the time we head back into MOS Rebel, it was like 3am? LOL.
Actually i didn't know what/who it was i was taking photo with. I thought we were just taking a photo w him cause he had BIG hair. I totally didn't expect My Flintstone here to show up in my pictures!
And some funny looking person that Bee claimed is hot?! Is it him?! He is so not!
Then the Bouncer came by with this HUGE bear. it's just slightly bigger than my MeToYou okay. He was hilarious lah, carrying it around and going, "excuse me, sorry tis' my girlfriend!" On the dancefloor too! And yes, it was jampacked! He even danced and grinded with it! If only we could video it down. HAHA.
Soon, we got bored. Actually we were quite bored on the dancefloor somehow. It was different from the past clubbing sessions. Are we getting old? Hmm... We went to the restroom before the songs ended and camwhored instead. It was still a night to remember. More Halloween nights to come eh?!
And I'm glad you came after all. It made the night just right. (:
Monday, November 16, 2009
i'm sick, and freaking out about it. :(
oh fcuk fcuk fcuk. Here i am too sick again. I realize that this happens when im overly stressed, busy, tired and with a huge lack of rest. This time it's waaaay too scary.
I'm spitting out blood! Bloood-ed! BLOOD! and it's not just once, it's every time when i spit a bit of saliva. Yucky, i know but still. im friggin' scared :(
I went to e lousy Doctor at Jo-Lin clinic or sth. Dear Yin accompanied me and we waited for like 40mins? And she spoke to me fer like 3mins?! She totally dismissed my concerns of my throat n just said that "yeah, e sore throat is quite deep". Then proceeded to check my palms and feet and said, "hope it's not HFMD" and "ok i give u 2 days MC. That's it."
... ...
Then i came home and spoke to my colleague who told me to go for a check-up and all the negative things that might happen. And there, you have a overly worried girl. Grr.
Neways, my throat feels as if there is a deep cut or like a knife pointing at it :( And i have 5 ulcers too many.
My medication on our Chinese looking table. Antibiotics and fever medicine to swallow, lozenges to suckle, gurgle to.. well, gurgle and ulcer cream for my ulcers. Sucha troublesome combination of medicine! You can't possible suckle and gargle or apply ulcer cream and gurgle at one go right?! Plus after the gurgle and ulcer cream, my mouth taste horrid. Like sth turned rancid. I had no choice bt to have other sweets. I have no idea if it's e after taste of e gurgle or just e ulcer cream (but i'm used to this already n i dont rem such a yecky taste).
AHHHH. i hate it i hate it.
I bet you enjoyed reading my over-exceedingly minor details about my being sick. Somehow i always dont have the time to blog about happy events but when i have thing to grumble about, i'm here. Tsk. Sigh. i hope things get better and my next entry will be a good one.
I hate how health, sickness, diasasters and accidents affect our happy life. Why can't we just keep on living normally, happily? It's a rhetorical question, DON'T answer.