Here i am on a Sunday night, not sleeping. The original idea as usual was to spend e day doing meaningful things, like finally getting around to doing up my family photos then end if off with blogging and tucking into bed early.

But. There's always a BUT. i spent too long of my long weekend free doing nothing. Yep, spent too long a time doing absolutely nothing. How does it feel? Like i just wasted a lot of time.

I detest how i always procrastinate so much. I dislike my bad habits but my will to change them just doesn't seem strong enough. No, scratch that. My will power is strong enough but it goes on and off; i tend to forget it. Now that i am 80% recovered from my bad sorethroat & awful ulcers, i'm back to my pigging out on junkfood while reading. I disgust myself sometimes. Argh.

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There are still so many thoughts in my mind at all times. There are some things that i can't accept and i don't think i ever will.

I just feel so sad because i know i was once so contented and that i probably won't reach there anymore. We won't. Still, i'll keep praying for a miracle.

I feel so lost. I don't know how to deal with it. How do you make the most of everyday and have no regrets? Somehow i don't know how to do that and i do not want to have any regrets after. For the first time as well, I do not know how to explain what i'm feeling. Words seem to fail me.

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Well, my next post should be something more interesting with pictures. I would like to blog about the camp and other happier things. Let's have a Marvelous Monday tml. Loves.

//Then there's this other thing. Each time I feel like giving up, you try harder. Each time i get closer to the edge, you give in more. Why? I thought you would want to give up too but you have surprised me. I really want to believe, and i would like a picture of us in the future but i can't help feeling unsure. After all these i've been through, i don't know if you'll be able to support me like how i need to be supported. I don't want to push you too hard and get you unhappy too... I really need the support that will keep me from falling. I'm sorry for all the awful words and behaviour, I can't seem to stop myself. You staying even after all my complaints should already be proof to me. It is to my heart, but my mind has other issues to worry about. I want to believe. I hope there is really a future.//

it's 1:20 AM now